As a SA victim myself, I’m so glad my husband doesn’t think like this. I hope the majority of men don’t
By - -Angylisis-
Her little secret? This is rape culture showing it's ass. Pure and simple.
Also the gem of “*really* raped, not ‘raped’ like 99.8 of women *claims*”. Just, yikes.
These arseholes when women don’t report rape: ‘why didn’t she report it? If it really happened like she says so then she would’ve told the police! / Why did she wait 10 years? If women want justice to be done then they need to report the rape straight away!’
These arseholes when women do report rape: ‘Its probably a false accusation! She’s just making it up because she had sex and regretted it!’
“Doomed if you do, doomed if you don’t”.
Made it sound like it's a guilty pleasure or something. Probably took so much courage and trust building to reveal it only for the guy to see it like this. Despicable.
I got so stuck on that line.
Yeah, I screenshotted it and sent it to my BFF because it was so shocking to me.
Wonder if they realise that a lot of the time it's kept a secret because they get treated like these cunts treat women
Don't forget "not the 99.7% of women who claim they've been "raped", but I mean genuinely raped" That part says enough
Exactly. And “little” as opposed to what? Ohhh... He must mean any perp’s “gigantic secret”, because what woman would knowingly choose to date a rapist.
That line made me physically gag.
the sheer unadulterated rage
Her “little secret”?!?!!! Like he thinks this was some sort of tryst she had and doesn’t want people to know about?!
My husband literally saved my life after I was gang raped. If more men thought and acted the way he did, then there would be less rape and more happy marriages! Wtf?!
Sorry, this particular one got me especially angered. Little secret my fucking ass. I tell everyone! Just in the hopes that A/ someone will take more care in their life and avoid my situation and B/ that anyone else who has suffered in any SA way will reach out to anyone that can help them!
Fuck these incel stanky-arsed apes.
Yes, it sounds like some incel shit.
They can’t be with “damaged goods”. But REEEEeeeEeee if a woman has standards at all.
Definitely incel shit. I almost missed the part where he implied that 99.8% of women who were raped are lying.
Oh God, I didn't realize there were more pages to this until your comment...
It's enough to make a grown adult want to curl up into fetal position and weep for humanity.
You don’t go to r/whereallthegoodmenare to find thoughtful discussion.
You’re more likely to find a “good man” looking under rocks outside
Just looked at it. Its disgusting.
How dare they avoid me simply because of my toxic personality and refusal to engage in basic hygiene?
Username kind of fits your story
That’s exactly why I picked this name, and my license plate. Rise from the ashes, my friend!!
This one kills me. Firstly, I’m so incredibly sorry for what happened to you, and I’m so thrilled you have a loving husband that not only saved you, but supported you. And secondly, it’s perfectly fine to not want to date someone who has emotional or physical trauma. I know I couldn’t do that, I have my own issues that already take up most of my emotional abilities. When my bf needs the support, I can be there. But I can’t do it every day. I semi cut off a friend who was draining me because everyday was split between validating her and talking her off the edge. It was so unhealthy for me and put me in a dark place. But that was for my own health. DAMAGED GOODS???? Fuck off with that nonsense. Just admit that you’ve never had to think about anyone else and put their needs ahead of your own.
Sorry, ranting, not yelling at you...
I feel you, no worries. My husband also came with plenty of baggage, but I equally supported him while we were still dating. If he had drained me of more than I could take, we wouldn’t have married. I guess it’s all about the balancing of one another, and openly communicating with your partner from Day 1. He knew about my rape from before our first date, when we were still just chatting. I knew he was a good’un before I even met him. I also lost a lot of friends after my assault. Some flat out didn’t believe me, despite hospitalization and court cases. Some just didn’t know what to say, how to react, or deal with my emotional and physical pain while going through their own. I can respect the not knowing bit, and the inability to deal with that kind of pain. But I cut off friends who were making me feel worse about myself. I experienced so much victim blaming or subtle hints that it was my fault that set my emotional recovery back by a decade. I have no patience for anyone that does that. Calling this a tryst is basically saying she chose to be raped.
I see how sigmatizing sa victims happens...
Bro hears a story about how someone was raped, makes them feel bad. Similar with PTSD war stories. You get a lot of stunned audiences that feel helpless. Or, creeps that secretly feel guilty.
If I hadn't been told by so many women, I wouldn't know it was a pervasive issue. I would have thought it doesn't happen to people I know...
I hope you flourish in life.
I so appreciate this. Thank you! But honestly, I am flourishing now, and like to help other men, women, and children who have been victimized by SA by getting them to the point where I am at. It’s my daily goal.
It’s so damned hard. So hard. I remember those sleepless nights of literal convulsions and cold sweats from the trauma and nightmares. I would be remiss to allow others to suffer from that fate when I’ve been able to find my own way out of the darkness. Thanks to my solid support network and therapy!!
We have all suffered the same, but we are not all the same. Some people need more, some less. But if nobody else is ever willing to guide them through this mess, how can we ever find the light? How can they ever find peace?? Are we willing to just leave the less fortunate behind to struggle, and even potentially continue the line?????
I’m willing to spend my time and energy in helping those who are drowning in a swamp of trauma. Because that is the only way to discontinue the abuse line.
ETA: Added a missed word and took out an added word.
Notice how it never goes the other direction as well, where they tell women to avoid equally “damaged” men, because in their world, that damage was always a woman’s fault and/or he someone has the amazing ability to overcome all his obstacles but a woman cannot do the same. People are people and by some point we all have baggage, it’s part of what makes us who we are. Explains part (admittedly a small part) of why they want young virginal girls to mold, they want to be her trauma, not help her heal, and they don’t want a person who has found strength and resilience in their “issues” because they would likely know better than to fall for their shit.
"They want to be her trauma"
Woah. That struck me as so true, but super heavy to read.
Same here. It kinda took my breath away for a second.
They only say it after the fact. If a woman had a bad ex it's always "yOu ShOuLdVe ChOsE bEtTeR"
But yes you're correct in that, there's a strategic reason why so many men want submissive, passive, "well behaved" women.
They really think that our exes showed us their true colors right away..
You are very much right. It is not an individual choise problem it is precisely how girls and boys are raised to think and act in society created by patriarchy. Both genders lose by victimblaming but the malegender gets a freepass by blaming a victim that is raised to be a victim.
I wonder what their opinion is on men who have been raped... Or maybe they think that's not possible :l
Guys like this will only bring it up in the context of women advocating for other women who are SA victims. Then it's "men get raped too, why don't you care about them?"
No other time will they acknowledge male SA victims. They're just pawns in an anti feminist crusade.
I swear, the idea that a man is immune to rape/similar traumas is so shitty, this is the sort of thinking that leads to suicides gping up and rapists to go free.
I've felt this way for a long time about a significant portion of men, but that writing is the best way I've ever seen it put to words. Bravo.
I’m guessing there’s a notable correlation between men who believe a woman who has been raped is damaged goods and he deserves an “undamaged woman” and him being “damaged” himself…. That’s some damaged brain thinking right there.
and I thought I was the exception because I want to help anyone I can to heal from anything that happened and be with them.
I really am
This makes my blood boil.
On the other hand. If a man wants to reject a woman solely because she was raped, excellent. That kind of man wouldn’t be patient with her as she deals with sex after assault anyway; she deserves a lot better, and this takes him out of the picture before he can hurt her further.
Isn't that basically what he's saying? That he's not capable to deal with that, so he leaves. I get that that's pretty horrible to just be like "My SO has trauma to work through? Welp, time to go!" but at least he admits it. Maybe he has his own (unacknowledged) trauma that comes in the way of being able to help other people with their issues, Idk.
Ofc it's wayyy better to help but in his eyes he's unable to cope with the stress that comes with that.
But maybe I misinterpreted that, sorry if I did.
Edit: Only read the first Screenshot, thinking that was all. Several responses to this comment made me realize that there are two more, which are more generalizing and disturbing.
Honestly I think it's right to break up if you are not a good fit, for whatever reason. I am not capable of being a therapist or an emotional dumping ground, and I have been in situations I found myself being pulled into a downward spiral because of a partner. Their mental disorder wasn't the only reason why I broke up with them, but it was a big part of the reason and the AWFUL events that followed, which I will not get into.
But the way the op phrased it is so.... gross??? Even though I also personally don't see myself dating someone with a lot of baggage, the way he wrote everything in that post is so disgusting and dehumanizing.
As an SA survivor, I'm inclined to agree to an extent. I've suffered with cptsd for a long time and for a longer time it was untreated. Before therapy I could be a pretty toxic person, I feel extremely guilty for it and I have worked on myself so it's no longer an issue *but* I also understand that during that time, when I was toxic, it was on me to realise/consider why my relationships weren't working and what my part in that was. It was on me to stay out of relationships if I was the one causing problems in them. This ofcourse doesn't apply to people who have worked on it and are managing day to day.
However, I get the feeling that this isn't what this person is referring to. He stated that he was with his partner for 8 months and then she "let it slip" and then he broke up with her for the sole reason that she had been raped. He didn't indicate that he had suspicions or that her behaviour was difficult within those 8 months. Makes me wonder how long he'd have stayed with her if he didn't know about what happened to her. Also the whole "tried to save my ex" his frustration doesn't seem to come from the manifestations of trauma but rather his own inability to somehow eliminate them and because he can't, he's blaming the partner for that.
Not to mention the fact that he seems to apply it to all situations. Starting a relationship with someone who has stuff to work on and ending it due to that is one thing, Would he also end a relationship with someone he'd been dating for years if she was assaulted while they were together to avoid potential "baggage"?
Finally, having difficulties (physical disabilities) or trauma (SA survivor) does not automatically mean these people are incapable of looking after themselves and to automatically assume they will be damaged, crazy or difficult is gross af and not reminiscent of the scenario in the first point. I don't date people with untreated MH issues but I will date people who do treat their MH issues as and where they can. At the end of the day, anyone can be subject to depression or anxiety "emotional baggage" at any point during life for any number of reasons, not always super traumatic reasons.
Exactly. I've suffered sexual and emotional abuse and I really don't have any mental health issues from it. I have a fear of engulfment from really domineering parents though, but it's bullshit that everyone is damaged forever . They want to use your trauma against you and then complain about it when it's inconvenient. These men are often not helping their partners emotionally, they just want to use their trauma to feel like a big hero. I'm very lucky that my husband is genuinely wonderful and I learned to trust but other than that I have very good emotional coping tools now, and men can't help or hurt me because I understand that the vast majority of these men are selfish and immature.
right. also the guy in the first pic left her when he learned that she was r*ped, but it happened after they started dating. so it’s not like he just met a "damaged woman" that he had to deal with. he already knew her and was supposed to love her. that also means she was not "gross, unlovable and not worth it" during the time where she didnt tell him, assuming she didnt tell him right away. so he was just being an inconsiderate asshole.
Yeah, it's fair for someone to say they don't have the capacity to help somebody. Hell, I've been raped, I have a lot of trauma, and I've done that myself. I've had to leave relationships and friendships because the other person needed more support than I was capable of giving at the time. But that doesn't mean that the people who have trauma and hardships are damaged goods or will never learn to care for themselves or that it's some kind of "dirty little secret." They were good, kind people who had limited support systems and lot of hardship, and as a result of that, they needed a lot of support and couldn't provide much in return. And I was hurt myself, so I needed more support than someone who didn't go through what I did. As a result, those relationships and friendships didn't work out well.
But it doesn't feel like these people are trying to say it's okay to leave a relationship that's hurtful to you because the other person is lashing out from their trauma, and hasn't yet learned healthy coping mechanisms for their difficulties. It sounds to me like they're saying, "any woman who has trauma or a disability is damaged, and regardless of how she has handled that, she is now useless and should be discarded." And that's not true of anyone, even the people that we need to step back from because we aren't equipped to help them. I would never be upset at someone who said to me, "I'm really sorry, I just don't have the capacity to help you with this." But I would be deeply, horribly hurt by someone who said, "Since you were raped, you are damaged goods and useless to me now." Those are *very* different things.
On top of that, the people who have helped me the most with my trauma (aside from my therapist, that is) have been able to set clear boundaries, like acknowledging that the best they can do is to be there beside me as I figure out how to handle my trauma in therapy. They recognize that they can't take on any of my trauma, and I recognize that I can't give it to them, so I don't go to them and rehash the whole horrible story over and over again. And they keep me company and lift my spirits when I'm having a hard time. That's how it should go, I think.
It's a bit different being "it's fair not to have a relationship with a woman that has major mental trauma if you're unable to deal with that" and "don't date women who are "damaged goods" even if the damage is purely physical and therefore doesn't change their personality or behavior"
Yeah, definitely get that. I wrote my original comment under the assumption that there is only one Screenshot. When I saw the other ones I felt less apologetic towards that guy.
Ah, yeah that makes sense
I had the same thing, the first one really makes you think that he's not the best person, but at least he's self aware, but then it just gets ugly...
I was thinking the same, and some part of me got it, because I have enough of my own shit and don't have the energy or patience to deal with someone else's either. Like, I can't handle having a dog because they're too much of an emotional investment, leave alone a human partner :/ BUT. The way he referred to her assault as her "little secret"??? W T actual F was that? That took it in a whole other direction.
It might’ve been what he was trying to convey at first but then went into a whole different tandem & what I got from it was “I wouldn’t wanna waste my time” also the end part where they think they’d get nothing from it? I don’t know I don’t speak crazy so it’s anyone’s guess.
Hes saying all men should avoid the 'damaged woman' and doesnt mention trauma from the other half of the relationship at all. Also he says that 99.8% of women make up that they have been raped. This guy is simply an asshole
Even if that's true, that he just can't cope with someone else's emotional baggage, he shouldn't have lied about it and then have a very casual attitude about the whole thing.
He could have said "I feel terrible but I am not ready to cope with this, so I think it's fair for both of us that we part ways" instead of being vague about it. I guarantee his ex knows she was dumped because she is "damaged goods", but she can't know for sure so it just nags her and chips away at her confidence. Whereas if he was straightforward about it, she could move on knowing that it's his level of emotional maturity that stood in their way, not her trauma.
Yeah, I think any dude who complains aboud damaged girls is probably pretty damaged himself, and that's not a value judgment like he makes it seem. We've all got cracks and broken bits stuck back on from life.
Edited my comment, didn't realize there's more than one Screenshot. I'm with you on the guy needing more empathy towards others (women).
As a survivor dating another survivor, you need to really know how to respect boundaries and read people, something I don’t think the people in the post would be remotely capable of.
I bet you a billion dollars these same men expect women to be their therapists/mothers
For free. Who's supposed to be the gold diggers again?
I vaguely remember reading a guide from the 50s about how to be a good wife, and a lot of it is taking care of the husband. Feeding and clothing him, maintaining a social life for you two as a couple (ie set up play dates), when he comes home from work to be physically presentable, pleasant, not to worry him with troubles as he’s just had a stressful day at work, listen to his problems, yours aren’t as important.
Ahh [found it](https://www.drnancyoreilly.com/how-to-be-a-good-wife-1950s-style/)
All those guidelines about cooking, cleaning, keeping yourself demure and your (sorry, God's) children cherubic and presentable for the magical moment when your beloved husband-king returns from his hellacious day of unrelenting backbreaking labor, and the last thing is:
>Remember that you relaxed all day waiting for his return. Now it’s his turn to enjoy what you enjoyed.
I guarantee the man in this relationship wouldn't consider housework or child-rearing "relaxing" in the slightest. The permeating idea that the woman's role is that of a housekeeper, singular responsible parent, and enthusiastic sex toy, and she is somehow unclean or worth less than a man... fuck, I feel so sorry for the generations of women who came before us.
I don’t understand how people still think being a SAHM is an easy job in 2021. I hate how it’s often prefixed with “So and so is JUST a stay at home mom.” And it’s not just men, it’s other women bringing down other women.
Yea, these men are very weirdly mentally fucked that way
And if we aren’t their free mommy/therapist we’re cold b*tches and no one takes men’s mental seriously
“Why am I single? 🤔” - these morons
But but but femaledatingstrategy!/s
I don’t support FDS, but these subs are faaaaar worse and get no hate or mention on how toxic Reddit is
I hate that subreddit, but I've never seen them say that men were made to be raped.
Right, they mostly post memes that I see posted to feminist subreddits. They post a lot of “ladies, you do not NEED a man, you are good enough just being you,” which is already much more positive than any of these incel subreddits are to their users. Obviously FDS takes things way too far and has a lot of toxicity, but no one there advocates the rape, murder, or enslavement of men. The most vile and hate-filled posts on FDS look downright cheerful next to the average post on incel subreddits.
And to top it off: no one following the FDS has shot up a public area. I really dislike the comparison redditors make, calling them 'female incels', because there's actually a valid reason behind the core purpose of the FDS (which is to avoid shitty men), there's no crab-bucket mentality, and they encourage and create confidence among the community. Their attitude towards men and trans people are the big problem. But the 'female incel' description feels like men trying to find a female equivalent so they can feel like misogyny isn't lopsided.
Honestly i’ve seen my fair share of toxicity on FDS, but nothing as vile as this. Most of them are just telling other women to work on themselves and go for men with responsibility.
Even though tbh these are the type of men who would do those things to women
I know a girl from high school who is disabled. She had a kid with a guy from our school who has been out of the picture since he found out about the pregnancy. Now she's getting married to a guy who encouraged her to pursue an active lifestyle despite her disability, and I swear she is the happiest I have ever seen her. She is actual living proof that disability does not equate to damaged goods.
A lot of incel vibes coming from this guy
It’s been shown that men are more likely to leave a partner who becomes disabled
And you bet your ass they want a “ride or die” woman who will take care of them
Isn’t it like 7x more likely?
Something like that.
And the same correlation for cancer in married women vs. married men
21% to 3%
I told my husband that if I had to wipe his butthole I'd do it no problem. I reiterated that if I had to spread his buttcheeks like Mike Honcho I wouldn't mind at all. I don't think he was comfortable with how many times I said it, but like he needed to know. (Yes I was doing it to make him laugh. Yes, it worked)
"even if it was like scraping peanut butter out of a shag rug?"
"yes, sweetie, even if it was like scraping peanut butter out of a shag rug."
and they lived happily ever after.
He has compared it thus, yes. Exact words.
Now I'm imagining trimming the gross hair around a human's butt like you have to do with long haired dogs sometimes when it gets poopy.
Baby, I was brushing my teeth! Why would you do me like that??
At that point, I’m waxing his ass, but I’ll still stay.
Best wedding vows ever.
My husband and I are similar. I've had a number of surgeries and issues. I knew he would take care of me if things got really bad when:
1. He injected fertility drug needles into my stomach multiple times
2. Helped me with post birth awfulness (had an emergency c-section with complications). He got me to the bathroom and changed those mesh underwear
3. Took care of me after multiple surgeries
4. Has no issue with anything poop related, lol
5. I asked him what he would do if I got cancer. He looked at me oddly and said, "uh, help you find a wig you like if you wanted one, or a scarf or whatever?"
He's a keeper. I'd do the same for him.
Yeah that's one of my biggest fears
>It’s been shown that men are more likely to leave a partner who becomes disabled
I brougt this one up, when making a prenup because I wanted to make 100 percent sure, that in case it happened to me, my husband would have to at least support me adequately financially. The (male) notary seemed almost a little offended by it, but fortunately, my then fiancé already knew the spiel and knew where I was coming from.
On a more positive note: One of my coworkers is taking care of his bed ridden wife and he's incredibly loving and dutiful. Before the vaccine, he would get in complete protective gear, so he could come in and cut her hair. I hope my husband would do the same for me in that situation (maybe not cut the hair, but the care in general ;) )
I'm doubly cursed and lucky. Disabled and a SA survivor. My other half has stuck with me despite not being married. Been together nearly 17 years. I seem to have encountered a rare unicorn of a man. It's pretty sad that it's against the norm. Because you're right. It would be different if the genders were switched.
heavily considering leaving this sub. everytime I see a post I get angry or upset. I can't believe there are real people who think like this
On the plus side, they’re doing the world a favour by avoiding “damaged” women - lord knows those ladies don’t need cockheads like these in their life!
Yeah it's the way that he's presenting that's rubbing me the wrong way. Ok just say "hey if you have been traumatized in any way I don't have the emotional maturity to be with you." don't sit there saying how all men should avoid "these" women.
I feel ya.
Just said the same thing to myself. So disappointed that people like this exist. However, burying my head in the sand won’t make it go away. :-/
Honestly I think if you need time off the negativity I think leaving it would be a good idea. You can always come back when you're ready. I did the same with r/ gender cynical for the same reason 🥰
Same here. I left a lot of subs that were critical of bigotry of all kinds because even if the discussions are valuable, they still start with having to read the bigotry.
Yes exactly. I got to the point where transphobic stuff was constantly on my mind. Reading this kind of stuff can be a form of self harm.
Yup, I had the same response to arethestraightsOK. Just so much misogyny and homophobia on a daily basis.
Yea arethestraightsok is really difficult to follow for me as well, especially when I'm doing bad already. Totally understand you are having troubles with it.
Same but instead of this sub, just reddit in general
It's like being an SA survivor isn't hard enough without guys like this reinforcing what society already tells us about ourselves: we're tainted and damaged.
You are beautiful and strong, no matter what this typing monkey thinks he knows.
Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Also, can we stop a moment to figure out what "really raped" means to them ?
Like, telling your ex "no" 4 times only to have no choice but to say yes, is it "really rape" ?
Or is it a gang bang with a gun pressing down your neck, a "real rape" ???
This is where my brain is, the most common form of rape is intimate partner rape, not the even more horrific versions of rape that are shown in the media. I do feel there’s of purposeful cognitive disconnect due to the fact that these are the kind of guys that would use/ have to use coercion to have sex at all and they don’t want to admit to themselves that they are the scum of the earth
Also there’s the whole “why wait ten years and bring it up” Like I was raped by my now ex partner and it took years for me to even realize that I was raped, and even then I’ve only told a few people, because it doesn’t feel like it was rape because of the rape myths that have been ever present in the media.
The first scenario isn’t “really rape” to them, it’s interpersonal “dirty laundry” that it’s rude to air. Not kidding, that is the mentality. Most rape comes from people you know and so assholes like this get to pretend most rape isn’t real because for them that’s filed under regular old relationship conflicts.
Yeah... First scenario is what happened with my ex when I went to break up with him (lmao that makes it even worse).... I wish I could have the strength to report his ass... But since it's not "real rape" I have a huge chance of... Nothing happening, and just reopening some scars, for nothing
I'm sure you know this, but just in case it helps anyone who might read it - it's not a failure or a lack of strength to opt out of further trauma, which unfortunately trying to achieve justice for being raped can very easily become. It's not weak to acknowledge a losing battle either, and failures of society/law in how rape is currently perceived and punished are in no way a reflection on the validity or impact of your experience.
Thanks for leaving his username so I can pre-block this piece of shit before I ever accidentally run into him.
You gotta love how the lass is the rape victime, but he can’t ‘deal with this shit’, don’t have the mental capacity to do so. Peace of shit. I got raped when I was 9. I know what it feels like to be in the place of that girlfriend of his. And god, I’m not a violent man, but I would bitchslap the crap out of those advocates of stupidity.
Edit: thanks for the upvotes and award !
More like r/whereallthegoodmenarenot
Someone should make that sub
Edit; The name is too long :(
Damn, it had so much potential
The subreddit r/whereallthebadmenare does not exist. Maybe there's a typo? If not, consider [creating it](/subreddits/create?name=whereallthebadmenare).
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As an SA survivor currently in a wheelchair, I wouldn't want a man that thinks this garbage. Luckily I have a husband. 'People' like this will also hit in us, but then be angry 'someone like us' doesn't want them, because they feel like they're being called not good enough by someone that they don't think is good enough to have choices. I really hate some people.
Isn't it about 1/3 women experiences assault of some kind in their lifetime? They expect her to live under a rock but probably also be a freak in the sheets. Disgusting lowlives.
Closer to half. The [2015 estimate](https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/datasources/nisvs/2015NISVSdatabrief.html) was that 43.6% of American women had experienced contact sexual violence in their lifetimes. With almost 1 in 20 (4.7%) experiencing it that year.
Myself too, and my mother.... much older guy when she was a kid :/
Second guy - did he really have to mention that she was hot? Is that all he can think of her? “Oh my ex was raped but lemme just make it clear that she was sexy”
Yeah, it was so out of place, like why? He meant that she was raped because she was hot or just wanted to brag that he had a hot girlfriend in general?
I think he was trying to make it out to be that much more of a "loss" on his part. 🤮
I think he mentions it because that’s the only reason he put the effort in at all
You're correct & happy cake day :)
Oh thanks! I didn’t even realise lol
“her little secret” wtf
As a rape victim, I can tell you that we don’t want to date these men anyway. Y’all can stay away, that suits us better than some fake empathy bullshit.
Jesus Christ. Partners should usually have a similar amount of baggage and if you can’t be a loving partner to someone more traumatized than you, that’s fine. The way they talk about it though is so absolutely horrendous like ok. Acting like they have rabies or something. Eugh.
I don't think there's anything inherently wrong about not being able to deal with people's baggage.
I'm chronically ill and my partner is an angel but it is so fucking hard on them. I honestly wouldn't blame them if they left. They aren't a nurse or a therapist.
That said this person's attitude that is fucking disgusting.
Agreed, but claiming that having to work with a partner who is trying to over come the trauma of "actual rape" is "bearing the brunt of the burden" is definitely a shitty sentiment. Women bear the brunt of rape culture and misogyny and for a man to suggest that it is somehow more of an issue for him, because he might have to *gasp* make some consessions in his sex life, is just beyond abhorrent. It's the entitlent and self centeredness that really gets me. Maybe the trauma isn't about him and even if he doesn't have the capacity to stand by a woman who is healing, it doesnt make it okay to call traumatized women "damaged goods."
Well this is a prime example of rape culture!
I hate how whatever man wrote that post is gatekeeping what really counts as rape. I think I'm going to choose violence today
This just makes me feel bad.. and like super self conscious… Im a survivor of sexual abuse and assault and I have a lot of issues surrounding that trauma and my own relationship… I already feel absolutely awful that it has affected my sex life with my partner… there’s nothing like a panic attack to ruin the mood when something triggering happens in the middle of having sex. I’m so thankful and sincerely lucky to have a partner who goes above and beyond to make sure triggers are avoided— we’ve been together for a long time, and he always does things like pauses a movie or show (even without me having to ask.. he knows me so well at this point) to let me walk out of the room— and then plays the show up until the scene is done to make sure it’s over before pausing it again and letting me know it’s okay to come back and catches me up verbally if there was any plot I missed in the few minutes I had to step out; he also makes sure not to place his hand on the back of my head if I’m going down on him because years ago it brought on a panic attack- since it triggers my ptsd; among so many other things.
Ive always felt such a huge amount of guilt and shame around my ptsd… he’s always treated me so lovingly and kind.. and I just wish I didn’t have that trauma because I know it causes extra work for him…
I’m just thankful we both take care of one another. He has fucked up things that have happened in his life too.. and I think most people do..
At the end of the day, we take care of each other. I’ve helped him out of debt, and helped him get the nice job he currently has— in addition to supporting his passions and hobbies just like he supports mine. Relationships should be more of a competition of what can I do to make my partner happy and feel loved— rather than what is my partner lacking or needs to improve on..
Same tbh. Like this is the stuff my inner critic tells me when my ptsd is bad
Wow it's her secret, her problem, her damage....like she made it herself. ... what? Dude this was done to her by your brethren. Wow rape culture truly is a special beast isnt it
a little food for thought, if u need an entire subreddit to prove that you’re a ‘good man’, chances are, you probably aren’t
This is fucking sick.
It's fucking sick that there are people who think like that.
This might be the one post I couldn’t finish reading. It’s too awful.
Nobody is saying he’s not a real man. We’re saying he’s a cunt.
That sub is straight up disturbing. It’s really unnerving how detached from reality they are.
Wow, that made me feel like shit. But it also made me thankful I'm gay.
I totally understand and think it's completely valid to leave someone because you can't be their therapist, because you have to value your own mental health over anything else.
But I can't condone doing so because you think a girl's rape was "her little secret", almost as if it was something she desired;
I can't condone doing so because you think listening to someone who was hurt in a terrifying way is "dealing with their shit".
But, to the girl, don't cry over guys like this, you're better off alone than with someone who only pretends to care
If I can’t accept my wife’s imperfections, how can I expect her to accept mine?
Some people don’t deserve to find happiness, but happiness finds us anyway.
I feel sorry for men who can’t love women who aren’t perfect.
This reply somehow has so much love in it. Thank you, it was the mindbleach I needed just now. May you continue to experience happiness & appreciation in your partnership…not trying to assume things, but by your words it sounds like it’s mutual.
There's a lot of misogyny here, to be sure. However, most people are "damaged" in some way, at some point in their lives, and it isn't the responsibility of a romantic partner to fix that. If a person isn't capable or willing to put in the extra effort it takes to be supportive, they should leave.
The same could be said for men who have dependency issues and threaten suicide or self-harm when things don't go their way. A woman doesn't have to automatically accept the responsibility of keeping them happy. They're responsible for their own mental health.
These guys are clearly twisting this concept. I'd think after 8 months of being with someone it would already be clear he couldn't deal, rape or no rape. Dismissing someone based solely on past trauma is ridiculous, as many people have worked through it to develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Well ladies, sounds like 99% of women are off limits to these “real” men. Oh what a shame it is! To be a woman that’s “damaged” and only because I’ve been “damaged” by a man, I’m no longer desired by a “real” man! /s
Seriously though, good luck to that guy. Finding a woman who’s single, attracted to men, isn’t physically disabled, and hasn’t been raped/sexually assaulted is about as rare as getting bite by a shark (maybe, I don’t quite know the odds of shark bites). Sexual assault and rape is such a common occurrence that it’s aggravating to even think someone would say this. Going through that stuff isn’t easy, and I know because I’ve been sexually assaulted once and raped countless times. I’ve never been more happy to realize I was a lesbian after that mess, but it can still happen, just significantly less often probability
It’s people like this that make me nervous to get into the dating field again. I may not be a victim of SA, but I lost my partner last year to a surprise illness. We lived together and wanted to get married one day. Being widowed in my mid-late twenties was *not* something I ever expected to happen and I’m still dealing with the mental trauma. Hell, even my partner had a fiancé that passed before her time way before we ever got together.
I can’t say I blame somebody for not having the capacity to handle someone with trauma, but they don’t have to be an asshole about it. Nobody is forcing them to date traumatized individuals. In fact, it’ll be better for both of them if they don’t.
Being labeled as “damaged goods” is so dehumanizing and I’m not going to waste my time with people that think like this. I hope that whenever the time comes and I search for another partner I don’t run into one of these guys. Trauma makes you feel dirty enough without being reminded that you’re “less-than” in the eyes of these people who refuse to treat you like the human being you are.
So I’m a victim of sexual assault, and I’ve never met a man that was bothered by it. No one ever viewed me as “damaged goods”.
I’m now happily married and my husband doesn’t view me as a lesser person because of my past.
These men are incels.
People that have been sexually assaulted are like anyone else. Some of them are fucked, but most of them are normal people. Some of the craziest and shittiest women ive ever met weren't sexually assaulted or abused. Some of the most understanding lovely women in my life experienced something horrific.
There’s these men, and then there’s men like my partner who not only held me while I broke down about my rape, but offered a listening ear when I was ready to talk about it.
I’m so happy men like my partner exist.
My husband is the same way, he gives me hope for humanity, glad you have that person too!
Almost every girl I date has been sexually assaulted… but that definitely doesn’t define them. I mean it doesn’t make someone untouchable if they’ve been through that. Yeah. It changes you. It really does. I’ve been there. It’s awful, but that isn’t what defines a person. Someone’s “damage” is part of them, but it isn’t who they are. They’re so much more.
Most women and men I know have been sexually assaulted or victimized. These men are deluded about how common sexual crimes are and how people can and do overcome these experiences.
Was literally about to comment this: they are kinda limiting their dating pool… and when do we disclose this to save them the hassle of dealing with us? On the first date? In our bios?
ewww that last screenshot was so sickening the way he ended it with "now go, and sin no more." As a Catholic that really rubs me the wrong way. Sooooo much selfishness and ableism in those posts >\_<
"Look how hard it was for me to deal with someone SMOKING HOT who was hurting it was just too much for me so I left" fucking well done, you legend. Someone get a crown for this king right here. Fucking hell.
Still seeing women as objects, “damaged”! We are not sex dolls who were over used and now wear a cloak of shame to hide our “dirty little secret!” AND ALL THE DOUBLE NEGATIVES!!! “Does not mean you are not a real man!” Dude couldn’t bring himself to take ownership and write “rejecting abuse victims and disabled women makes you a real man!” because he knew it was a crock of shit!
Sickening, all of it. They want to be fucken white knights and save women from all the Chads, but not actually be real men who can have a caring relationship with real women. Utter bollocks.
I actually was sickened by what these “men” think. They aren’t real men. They are little boys. I bet if a woman wouldn’t date a short guy they would be triggered as all fuck, but they think a girl in wheelchair doesn’t deserve the same right to love and happiness as all of us, or that a sexual assault victim is (sickeningly) “damaged goods”. WTF is wrong with people? If my wife had suffered sexual assault I would be supportive and help her overcome her trauma so she can live a happy life, and if she was wheelchair bound I would love her just as much and take care of her because love isn’t conditional.
I cried when I read your words of love for your wife and your obvious dedication to her, because the context here is in stark contrast. I have no concerns that my boys will behave like the depraved wankers in that post, and I’m 100% sure that THEIR parents are aware of their ignorance and attitudes and do nothing to educate them. They need a public boot up the arse to show all their mates just how their bullshit is pathetic and misogynistic.
Your missus is a lucky lady, finding a lovely and decent man. ❤️
breaking news: if you're in a relationship with people, you need to support them
This guy is doing any woman a favor by not wanting to date them.
This is why women don't speak up. 😒
i wonder if they understand the irony of their subreddit name
Oh it gets worse.
They claim they're the "nice girls" version of the nice guys subreddit but it's really just screenshots of womens dating profiles, most of them single mothers and other women they claim are "undesirable".
All I got from this was “tell me you’re willing to SA your significant other without telling me.” Can it be hard dealing with someone who suffered trauma? Yes. But if you’re SO is a SA victim one of the biggest things is making sure they don’t feel like their body autonomy is being taken away from or that their consent isn’t being violated.
These men are disgusting. I feel physically sick.
This is disgusting.
I've thought a lot about what I would do if I was dating someone and they go through a trauma, and I still don't have any idea. I'm barely hanging on by a thread, but that's why I'm not pursuing anything at the moment.
Also a terrible analogy by the other dude because it’s not true
If you can’t deal with someone’s trauma and you need to leave you are in your full right to, not everyone has a good enough mental health to deal with other peoples issues but if you start shaming those people for their trauma then that’s a whole different story and it’s not a good one, no one should be shamed for their trauma and anyone who does shame others for their trauma is a disgusting person
This hurts a bit for me because I do have emotional baggage, chronic pain, and just so awkward all this does it discourages me for a potential relationship. I know not every guy thinks like that, but it makes me more protective of my feelings and scared to share them because I might be shamed for them.
My ex even called me damaged and I had to tell him off about it. He still thinks I am, but dammit I wouldn't had my emotional meltdowns if he just, I dunno, listen to me when I told him his "jokes" aren't funny. Or when I'm ignored altogether.
But, to him, it's supposed to be "Me and you against the world!" These dudes expect you to have their backs, hold it down, etc but don't wanna do shit for their women. They're suddenly not available, or pissed because they're inconvenienced. And they listen to BS like this, and now will drop any woman the moment she shows or mentions she's "damaged."
I stg men like this are why I can't seem to quit smoking. 😐
I’m both a victim of SA and physically disabled. This is sickening and so ironic that these “people” think they’re good men.
> Your rejecting her because she's a paraplegic or a rape victim does not mean you're not a real man.
I actually agree with this; everybody has a right to decide if a factor like that is too much for the relationship they want. Might make them a weak man, or a superficial man, depending on the circumstances. But everyone does have that right.
What makes them Not a Real Man is considering another human to be "goods", and rejecting them because the "goods" are damaged. That's the attitude of a teenager with an undeveloped brain. A real man would be able to be compassionate and self-reflective in understanding that the issue is that THEY are not equipped to handle the other person's specific needs; the issue is not that the other person *has* needs.
I'm very mixed on this. Like yeah we need to care for ourselves but also it's shitty to reject someone because they were raped and your previous partner had a response you couldn't handle.
Like I've been raped multiple times but I've also been in therapy weekly for 2 years now. If a partner told me "I can't handle your outbursts" bc their last partner had those, id be genuinely hurt, largely bc I don't have outbursts.
Like no one else is responsible for my mental health but me and a bit my therapist but that doesn't mean I don't still need a support system.
I think they are soooo close and yet soooo far away from the truth.
First off. This is a gross human.
Second off. In a relationship you have the right with walk away at any time with no strings attached(special circumstances aside such as children Or a mortgage which are strings and YWBTA if you did that but you still can.) you can walk away because your partner has trauma you can’t deal with or because they wore yellow and you hate that color.
But you can’t think of people as damaged. We all are. So what? You don’t grow up without some trauma from something.
This person is gross.
Jesus Christ, this isn’t just how girls work, it’s not how humans work. What the hell is wrong with these people, where does this line of thought come from?
Not being equipped to help someone through trauma and not being in a headspace to handle the emotional fallout id a valid reason not to date someone.
It's pretty scummy if you are already in a relationship, but if you aren't it is valid to recognize the impact it would have on yourself as a partner to a person who is still going through a lot and recognize that you aren't up for it. Far better than growing bitter and resentful, which inevitably makes things worse.
But holy shit does this thing read like a raging shitpile of a person with zero empathy who is clearly not ready to treat women like people in the first place.
"Damaged". Fuck, how do you be that grossly horrible unironically?
This is fucked up on soo many levels
Being in a relationship with someone that has had a sa…it makes things MUCH more difficult. She let know early on, which I respect (married 10+ years). However, had she not disclosed this early…I don’t think we would have made it. The stressors it puts in the relationship are real.
"my damaged hot ex girlfriend" should be enough to tell you he's never even had a girl look at him
I can’t believe that sub exists. It has to be some twisted satire or something...
Wow. That sub needs to be burned to the ground. I just read through some other posts and it’s like they get worse.
To some extent, everyone is damaged. Most of my friends have hangups from their childhood, and in my almost 5 year relationship with my SO we have discovered hangups from our childhood that affect the relationship.
At the end of the day, people are messy and complicated and there is no such thing as a romantic partner without emotional or historical baggage. And some people that have lived through traumatic experiences may have invested time into themselves to get to grips with it, compared to others who have ego/narcissistic or manipulative tendencies for example that have never been addressed. There is no hard and fast rule for how emotionally draining it will be to involve yourself with these people... So why treat it as such?
The post seems a little bit like the person writing has had little lived experience with different partners. It is always OK to decide that someone's baggage shouldn't be yours to carry - this is an individual choice. But to act like there's whole groups of people you can apply this to without getting to know the particulars of their baggage (and how it would fit with yours) is lazy and idealistic.
As someone who was born with medical issues, does this mean that I’m never worthy of love apparently?? People be wild
I actually fully get not wanting to be with someone with trauma that impacts their day to day life. It’s a LOT and some people are just equipped - or prepared, I guess - to deal with that. I have a lot of baggage and honestly, this is one of the things that hounds me constantly; I won’t enter the dating scene at all as I’m too much of a burden.
However, this guy seems to have been getting along fine with his partner UNTIL she disclosed she’d been assaulted, and then all of a sudden it was too much for him? That’s completely different and a pathetic, cowardly response.
i've been raped by two different men in different times, and both of them weren't a "one time thing". in both cases, it lasted for months. i couldn't even thought i was raped, i couldn't accept the truth. because they were gaslighting me every fucking day. i couldn't run away from them. they always convinced me that they didn't do anything wrong, they were being nice to me and helping me, i was just being dramatic, i wasn't good enough, i wasn't being a GOOD WOMAN, something is clearly wrong with me, etc. etc.
i was diagnosed with ptsd, major depression, an anxiety months later.
i couldn't have any romantic relationships and avoided every psychical things, i mean i didn't do that by choice, my body immediately freezed and my brain just stopped working every fucking time. i lost every men that i liked. they didn't want to deal with me. they didn't want to support me. they just wanted a healthy woman. i got mad, but i understood them.
and these things stuck in my head. i had a nice boyfriend last year. i made him think i wouldn't worth his time, feelings, care. we broke up at the end of the summer. he couldn't be this in relationship anymore because he didn't want to hurt me and himself, and knowing all of this. etc. i felt like i deserved everything they did, they were right. and i kinda still do. who wants this? nobody wants someone like me! of course they did the right thing. i'm a hopeless person. i have to be alone. there is no hope for me. i'll have to live all by myself, i don't have the right to do anything.
i thought exactly what post said. i guess i still do. i just wanted to be loved and cared for. i wanted a support, a truthful support. i was all alone in my journey. i just wanted to trust someone that also trusts me. i never wanted to make someone feel i'm just a deadweight and having to deal with. i guess i couldn't reflect it in the right way.
my best friends still trying to make me fee comfortable and convince me my thoughts aren't true. but it didn't go away. everyone will love me, until they truly know who i am.
even tho i think the words in the post are bullshit, when it comes to me, people have the right to do anything they want to me. like, i don't deserve the good things, right!
i'm really sorry for reading this. and i'm sorry for the ones dealing with similar problems. i'm with you, with all my heart. you're precious. you deserve the best of everything.
I mean on one hand, there is the smallest inkling of truth here, you are not obligated to be with someone if you feel that you can’t handle certain things about them, and not everyone is cut out for roles of support like what is required when you are with someone who is a victim of SA, is it a bit selfish? Yes, but it’s not entirely unreasonable, and if you recognize that you are incapable of supporting someone who has been a victim of SA than it’s probably best for that person in the long run if you do keep your distance.
However, this guy backs this point up with the most ridiculous and hateful shit I’ve ever seen, despite him claiming she’s blameless, using language like “her little secret” totally implies blame on her, basing her womanhood on her ability to have sex and walk, positioning himself and other men as the victims of some “female imperative,” whatever the fuck that is lol, and that god-awful 99.8% statement. The fact that there is a tiny tiny tiny kernel of truth in this post makes me think that this is just another individual who would be a fine person, but has been sucked into the right-wing, sexist hate machine. Truly disgusting.
I hope this guy and all those guys who joined in die a slow and painful death, sorry not sorry
OTOH, these women are dodging bullets left and right.
If these dudes a) think this way, and b) don't care enough to keep caring after a traumatic event: good riddance to bad rubbish. Let them go ruin someone else's life. The women have suffered enough.
This are the same guys that claim ‘I’m a nice guy and I still get rejected’…